Novelty Shirts, Crocs, and Some Old Halloween Costumes

Novelty Shirts, Crocs, and Some Old Halloween Costumes

[Applause] welcome to Artie's odds-and-ends my name is Artie and this is my son Dennis who has a set of titties on him that would make any girl in the eighth grade jealous and this is my show where I sell a bunch of old shit out of my garage and today we're selling a bunch of old clothes that I found in these here garbage bags sure I could donate them to the goodwill but why would I do that when I can make some quick cash and get drunk instead are you a dad but don't know how to dress like a dad well I'm selling a bunch of my old clothes so you'll be dabbing it up in no time we're talking jean shorts some grass stain New Balance tennis shoes a pocket t-shirt with a big fish on it now I'll even throw in a pack of Marlboro Reds on top are you a middle-aged woman did you pop out a couple kids and maybe give up on your overall appearance well get yourself this oversized Winnie the Pooh t-shirt $2.99 it's a must-have for any woman who doesn't give a fuck about what they look like anymore oops I did it again Dennis what's that dad I'm selling our old Halloween costumes for a fraction of what they're worth we got your Michael Jordan costume as well as my fine-ass Britney Spears costume on sale for $10.99 apiece I think you're a little too fat for Britney Spears dad yeah well I think you're a little too white and asthmatic to be Michael Jordan Dennis now your ass gets winded eating Bagel Bites for christ sake remember those weird hip-hop style Looney Tunes t-shirts that everybody wore in the 90s well we got one here right now for $2.99 throw this baby on with your favorite pair of pajama pants pick out a 40 ounce of malt liquor now you'll be all set for any trip to Walmart we have all sorts of t-shirts with old sayings from the 90s screen printed on them four bucks apiece who can forget such classics as take a chill pill talk to the hand and my personal favorite whoop there it is are you sick everybody talking to you about stupid shit that you don't care about like politics or why you shouldn't be drunk at your son's baptism well buy this pair of Crocs for $10 and nobody will talk to you ever again in life get a pair of these Richard Simmons short shorts along with out VHS of Richard Simmons sweatin to the oldies 1099 dad I can see your asshole in those shorts you can how does it look does it look skinnier I can guarantee everybody will get a slimmer asshole if you watch this VHS tape your asshole will be the size of a dime here we have these bootleg Bart Simpson t-shirts that I bought in Tijuana 25 years ago a buck he's who can forget such popular sayings as jet your cools man don't have a bovine animal dude and my personal favorite eat I ass I'm too sexy for my shirt Dennis but I'm not too sexy for this Right Said Fred mesh tank top 1099 dad take that off before somebody calls the cops again Oh Dennis that was one time so I can't live within 300 yards of an elementary school anymore big deal like I give a damn we got all sorts of women's clothes for sale they're perfect for if you're a woman or if you're just some kind of weird pervert that likes women's clothes dad these look like mom's clothes oh who the hell cares Dennis I'm sure her new boyfriend Rick can afford to fire a whole new wardrobe with all that sweet home depot money that he makes my ex-wife's platform shoes 10 bucks my ex-wife's tube top $10 my ex-wife's cheetah print thong 10 bucks whoo these smell like Cheetos for some reason don't I look like a cheap dime-store slut Dennis what do you think I look like your mother y'all do an impression of it ready damn look at me my name's Sharon I suck dick for nickels what'd he do what do you think pretty good this just in if you call in the next 10 minutes and by some of our shitty clothes here I'll give you a 25% off and have Dennis come over and cut your grass for you wait what oh look we have a caller on the line go ahead call her Artemis it's Sharon Wow Sharon unless you're trying to buy some of your shit back I don't want to talk to you so you can talk to the hand Sharon whoop there it is let me talk to Sharon it's Rick sure explicit well well well mr. Home Depot himself tell me Rick when you're banging my wife does she make you wear the orange apron while you're doing it listen I don't care if you dress up like a transvestite on the weekends you're doing just don't do it Rick I'll take your advice when I have to go build a birdhouse all right but I have to refinish my deck you'll be the first person that I call until then get your cools man and you can eat my ass while you're at it

41 Replies to “Novelty Shirts, Crocs, and Some Old Halloween Costumes”

  1. Wait, is this like the unofficial way of saying that your neighbor Michaels dad is both in the real world and in this world and thatโ€™s how Michaels mom and his stepdad came together. Thatโ€™s trippy man

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