Wayne | Ep 4: “Find Something Black to Wear”

Wayne | Ep 4: “Find Something Black to Wear”


I ain’t never been
this clean before. Not even
when I was born,
I don’t think. You weren’t clean
then neither. Ever seen a baby
when it first comes out? All bloody and covered
in mom goop. ( sniffs ) The shower gel’s
got mangoes. I know. And you know
what I thought
I would hate, but turns out I don’t? The way the dryer
plays the song
when it’s done. I like the dryer song. I know. It’s like, “Here,
I made your clothes
all warm for you, now I’m gonna
sing you a lullaby,”
or whatever. Anything in there? No, not really. Some senator guy got a BJ
from another senator guy, bunch of people
got E. Coli shits
from lettuce, and, uh… This whole section’s
on “dining alfresco”. -Is that French for
eating naked or something?
-Uh-uh.
No one’s naked
in the pictures. -( car doors closing )
-Jeff:Here we are…Shit, it’s Jeff. Your new life begins here. With original hardwood floors,
recessed lighting, and for the end of the day,
when we come together and remember
why we do it all… ( beeps ) The fireplace. Indulge. Let me invite you outside, to where nature
and our lives intertwine, on this spacious
outdoor patio perfect for
dining alfresco. Our laundry.
The dryer’s gonna
play the song! ( musical tone plays ) ( car alarm blaring ) What the motherfucking fuck! ( theme music playing ) It’s Jay Ganetti,
aka “Cop a’ Soup” and I’m heading
down south. So get ready for
soup pics from
11 different states!I got 1,300 people watching.
You wanna say hi?
Hard pass. Okay, we gotta go, y’all. Chow-da! -Soup pun.
-Uh-huh.
We’re not wearing uniforms? No. No uniforms today. It’s you, me, and my friend,
Tommy Bahama. I thought it was just us. No, Tommy Bahama’s
the name of the man
who makes these shirts. I know, but why is
he coming with us?
Is he rich? Jay, I was making a… Now, look, I think
I was pretty clear
about this trip. You realize all of this
is off the clock? I know, but it’s not like
we’re going to Disney World. Unless… Unless, we going
to Disney World, Sarge? Well, we’re gonna be
traveling out of
our jurisdiction, so it’d be inappropriate
to be in uniform.You got any street clothes?No. I just got work clothes,
and I got comfies. What is all of this? This is my stuff for
my vlogs and my blogs, okay? Lights, selfie sticks,
couple of extra cameras. Here, take this one. Sarge, when was the last time
you took a vacation? And what is it
with this Wayne kid? Just got a gut feeling
about him. Just let a badge
at Florida handle it. That’s what
I’m afraid of. A boy like that
gets put in the system,
they rarely get out. I figured I got
a second chance, Jay. It’s my turn to
give somebody else one. Sounds like
a bad seed to me. Well, we’ll see. I just want to catch up
with him before
everything else does. And her. The girl. Right. Her, too. They couldn’t have
gotten that far
on a dirt bike. We’ll find him. And her. Right. Her, too. So, you got any
of our guys on this? No, sir. We’re leaving Brockton
out of this. If you could buy
any of these houses,
which would it be? The one with the big
fuckin’ tree, or the one
with all the flowers? I can’t afford gas,
never mind a house. I know. But for fun,
if you could. I’ll take any of ’em. I can’t believe
that hooker lady robbed us. Yeah, we need
to get money. Maybe we could
get jobs or something? Oh, yeah. Good idea. You go get your suit pressed
for your interviews, and I’ll go grab
my college diploma
real quick. We gotta get to Florida,
so we can get your car
and get the hell outta Florida. We need to get gas
to get to Florida. Del: Oh, hey,
there’s an idea. You know what
they’re doin’, right? Like, standing there? Wearin’ hats? What? They’re standing around
waiting for somebody
to pick ’em up to help with
construction and shit. Day laborers. Best part about being
a day laborer
is it’s only a day, and you get paid cash. I ain’t never done
construction before. Anyone can do construction. My brothers do construction
and they got half
a brain between ’em.You get cash, we get gas,
then we go.
Well, what are you gonna do? I don’t know,
maybe have a hamburger, play some laser tag. Dude, I’m joking.
Don’t worry about it. -You’re not gonna…
-What? You’re not gonna
steal, right? I’m not gonna goddamn steal. Just gonna do
what my parents do
when bills came. Sell some shit. I got my headphones.
And this necklace
is like 14 karats. But your ma
gave you that necklace. Well, my ma taught me
how to survive, too. Which is ironic,
seeing how she’s dead and all. Guess I’m off
to work then. Hold up. So you don’t get
sun cancer or nothing. I didn’t steal it.
It was free. Here. -You smell like a pack
of Starbursts.
-Yeah. I wanna try
a real mango now. If we get to Florida,
I’ll get you a real mango.I’ll see you back
at the house later.
( indistinct chatter ) ( indistinct yelling ) You, uh…
Need me to do
a job for you? ( men laughing ) Don’t get in that car,
gringito.
A different kind of job. ( speaking Spanish ) -( indistinct chatter )
-Whoo! Be with you in a sec. Emily: I’m sorry.
What were you saying? None of this
is worth anything. Listen, I really
need some money. Yeah, me too, bitch. We were in a car wreck
and my husband… Had a cheap watch. ( exhales ) ( tearfully )
I just need some
money to bury him. Please, if there’s
anything that you could do, I’m really
in a tight spot. Lady, this is
a pawn shop. The people that
come in here with stuff
generally aren’t the “things are going
fucking great for me” types. It’s sob stories
like yours
all day long, so,again, no thank you.-( Emily sobbing )
-Hey. Go on,
go to your ma. Do you at least
got a tissue? There’s some T.P.
in the john. Emily:Come on, honey,
let’s go.
Okay, kid. Let’s see what you got. When that lady gets back
from the shitter, you’re gonna tell her
you was wrong and her crap is worth
something after all. Excuse me? I saw that little, uh, fake ID and phony passport
factory you got back there. Sure the cops would
like to see it, too. Go ahead and call ’em.
It’ll be gone
when they get here. Oh, yeah? Will the picture
I took on my phone be gone by the time they get
here, dick-stick? ( door opening ) Bill:
Excuse me, ma’am. I’ve changed my mind
about buying some of
your worthless junk. Emily:Thank you.Hey, I, uh,
changed my mind
about buying this. Thanks, dick-stick. ( indistinct chatter ) Eric: Whoa, back up. ( indistinct chatter ) Back up! All right,
I got a two-day job. I need five guys. -You got tools?
-Si.
Eric:In the back.-You got tools?
-Si.
-You got tools?
-Si.
-You got tools?
-Si.
You got tools?Si.-( thuds )
-Eric: Oh! What the fuck did you do? Get your dumb ass
away from my car. Steve:Hey, I got this.
I got this.
Okay, you heard the boss.
Back totrabajo!Come on.
Yeah, Ihablathe Spanish. -Eric:Tell him to get
back to work, Steve.

-It’s all right. ( train horn blowing ) He’s been in there
a while, right? He’s gotta be
three, four beers
deep by now. What the fuck
do I know? You figure
five minutes a beer, piss breaks… -How the fuck long
we gotta sit in here, fuck?
-Jesus! Let the man have
a few beers
in peace, please! His daughter’s missing,
he’s worried
out of his gourd. With everything he’s going
through, you’re gonna be
the beer police? -We could at least
put on some tunes.
-Do not. We’re not allowed to
touch Daddy’s radio
after last time. You know, I bet he doesn’t
even remember our
birthday tomorrow. Christ. Would you
shut the fuck up? He’s in there gettin’ bombed.
We should be the ones
celebrating. You know, it’s my birthday
before yours.
You hear me complaining? Oh, that minute and
40 seconds makes
you so fucking mature. You know I had
that cord wrapped
around my neck? You snooze, you lose. You know, we’re gonna be
sittin’ outside the hotel
tomorrow doing nothin’ ’cause he’s going
to be nursing
his hangover. Hey! I will not let you
smear the name of
our father like this, You know, there are
only three real men
in Brockton, Mass. -One, Rocky Marciano.
-( mouthing ) Oh, okay. Yeah.
That’s true. Two, Marvin Hagler. Three, our father. The man is
a goddamn legend. -Fuck this,
I’m getting my tunes.
-No, you’re fucking not! What the fuck
do you care? You’re gonna make me
an acompliment
after the fact. I’m getting
my fucking tunes.
There we go. Ah. Feels like
aJock Jamsday.Jock Jams.Emily: Thank you so much.
priest: See ya. Can I do anything
for you, my child? Yeah, uh,
don’t go molesting nobody. ( man speaking in Spanish ) ( in English ) What the hell?
This looks like shit. We’re gonna have to
redo all of this.Idiota.Is that Spanish
for idiot? ( speaking Spanish ) ( in English ) All right,
tell youramigos
it’s quitting time. All right,amigos,
it’s quitting time. I’ll drop you
at the parking lot. You can go back to
yourcasas,or whatever
Mexican for “shithole” is. 6:00 a.m. tomorrow.
You might wanna show up. It’s payday.Gracias, senor.Hopechico de mierda
won’t be here. ( footsteps approaching ) ( door opens ) ( door closes ) Del? You fit in there? What happened
to our secret knock? I’m tired. Sorry.
I forgot. I thought you was Jeff. Nearly gave me
a frickin’ coronary. And by the way,
we gotta go to a funeral. -Wayne: Who died?
-Some lady’s husband. -Wayne: From back home?
-From here. You know people here? No. I saw her
at the pawn shop. This lady
lost her husband
in a car crash. She ain’t got no money
for a casket. Anyway, we gotta go
to Henry’s funeral. -Henry’s the dead guy?
-It’s his funeral, ain’t it? And the lady invited you
to the funeral? Yeah, she was handin’ out
invitations at the pawn shop. They were pretty.
You should see.
I pinned one on the fridge.I’m kidding. Jesus.I gotta find something
black to wear. So you’re gonna buy
a dress for a funeral for a guy you don’t know because you saw this lady? I’m confused. It’s just sad, okay? And I think
we should go. What, you don’t think
people being dead
is sad now? I think people
being dead is sad. So what’s with
the interrogation? If you don’t wanna,
you don’t have to. I have to work. ( sighs ) How was it?
Your day or whatever? Everyone’s not nice
and I think the boss
hates me. That’s good. I ain’t never been
to a funeral before.Not even
for your ma?
I know you think
it’s weird that I want
to go to a funeral. And maybe it is,
but I want to. And I don’t need you
to understand because maybe I don’t understand,
either. Okay? ( snoring ) ( dryer musical tone plays ) ( sighs ) ( indistinct chatter
in Spanish ) ( hammer clatters ) ( speaking Spanish ) ( in English ) Oh, man.
Who did this? ( sighs ) If Eric sees this,
he’s gonna flip shit. Look, you seem
like an okay kid. But you suck at this. Maybe you can
do a lumber run. Huh? You know
how to drive, right? No. I could figure it out. Jesus Christ, kid. I got a better job
for you. Since you’re really good
at breaking shit, why don’t you go tear down
that wall between
the parlor and the den? Think you can do that? Yes. Carl: Nice birthday gift.
Goddamn lamp to my head. Teddy: Serves you right
for draining the man’s
fucking car battery. You had to have
your precious tunes.
I fucking told you! I don’t understand what
you’re smilin’ about
to be honest, Ted. Okay? Now we gotta spend
our birthday getting
this man a car battery, while he sleeps off
his fucking hangover. You know what?
That’s the last time I want to hear
you talk about
the man’s drinking. You know what, Carl?
I’ve had it up to here with the disrespect
from you, to be honest. You know what? I’m just saying
this is our
special day. Okay? So that means
we owe it to ourselves
to get something cool. A couple forties
or something. Hey, I count at least four
more lamp shades inside. You want to add
to that shiner? Fuckin’ guy… Who snuck you into
that Bruins game
that one time? He was wicked hammered. We got 86ed
first fucking period! Always with
the black lining. Look, we’ll get
the fuckin’ battery,
all right? But we’re going to
Flappy Jack’s for
free hotcakes first. -It’s our god-given right.
-We ain’t getting shit. But Daddy always
get free hotcakes
on his fuckin’ birthday. All right, fine. But only because
it’s Daddy’s tradition. Tradition. Hotcakes and flapjacks.
Yes! Whoa, whoa.
I think you found
your calling. You’re like
the HulkIncreible
or something. Or Conan
the Barbarian. -Ah.
-Ho! What the fuck did you do? Did he tell you to demo
the parlor wall? I told him. That’s not the parlor wall,
it’s the fucking
living room wall! This is coming out
of your pay! I told him to. What’s that, Pepe? Because of the mold. You should be
thanking this guy. Just… You fucking get
back to work and get the fuck
out of my face. ( light music playing
over speakers ) Damn, girl! You’re gonna
knock ’em dead,
sweetie. Yeah, well,
he’s already
dead, so… You are into some
weird shit, little. Hotcakes! Free hotcakes
and two tap water. Let me know if
you big spenders
would like some saltinesor ketchup packets
as well.
This is no way to treat
the birthday boys here. What, you want me to sing
“Happy Birthday” or something? That depends, what’s
15 percent of nothin’? Fifteen percent?
Who are we, Bill Grates? Cheap bastards. Free hotcakes! Carl: Free
motherfucking hotcakes! Free motherfucking
hotcakes! You know, I guarantee you
this is the only thing
we get today. You think that cheap
piece of shit is gonna get us
a present or something? This again? Yeah, this again.
When’s the last time
he bought anything for us? Okay, listen. He’s not
the best gift giver,
I get that. But who pays for
that roof over your head, you ungrateful
sack of shit? We got evicted twice
last year because
he did not! Holy shit. Flappy’s got beers. Hey, Menu Lady! Menu Lady,
beers here. -Beers delivered here.
-Domestic only. Miss. Miss!Miss. Hello!What about the dress? It looked fabu on you. Oh, I think I’m just gonna
wear my own clothes
to the funeral. Funeral? You gonna wear this
sexy-ass thing
to a funeral? It’s black, ain’t it? Yeah, true. You know,
at my uncle’s funeral, my auntie propped him up
like he was playing poker. Different strokes.
Kenny ain’t here to judge. Anyway, my condolences. Uh, family? I actually
don’t know the guy, or his wife.
I just… I can’t stop
thinking about it. Like I gotta be there
or something.
I don’t know. Well, it’s better
than not caring at all. So, I just guess it doesn’t really matter
what I wear. Thanks, though. Uh, hey. Just take it. It’s on me. -You don’t have to do that.
-Oh, shh. Child, I steal shit from here
all the time. ( indistinct chatter ) -You like mole?
-Never had it. Here, try it. Alberto:Oye, Ramon!( speaking Spanish ) ( in English ) What’d he say? He says he wants to share
some of his lunch
with you, too. Oh, sure.
Bring it over. Oh, it’s okay.
I had some earlier. Thanks for this. My pleasure,mijo.Pretty cool how
you found that mold. ( chuckles )
Not mold, mole. Why’d you do that? You seemed like
you needed a break. Plus the boss is
ahijo de la gran puta.Alberto called me
the same thing earlier. ( chuckles )Do you think
that’s good?
You should try it the way
my wife makes it. Mmm. Even better. ( sighs )
Man, I miss that woman. Where is she? In Oaxaca.
My whole family is. Man. That must be
really hard. Yes. It’s a long time to be
with no wife in bed.
You know? ( chuckles ) What about you?You got a family?Not no more. No one? Well, there’s a girl. A girlfriend? I want her to be. But I don’t know
what she wants. And sometimes what
she wants doesn’t
make any sense. Just listen and show her
that you care. Don’t try to fix it. Just listen and nod.
( chuckles )Then maybe
you’ll get your mole.
I can do that. Dining alfresco. And how about the fact
that he always makes us
share these track suits? Is that not fucking
weird to you? We love these track suits. You do because you
get the top half. How come every time
I have to be
the fucking bottom? Because you’re a whiny ass!
That’s why you’re
the fucking bottom! Okay, we’re closing. So, you guys gotta go. But I thought you were
open 24 hours. We are. Just not today. Is this any way to treat
the two birthday boys here? Do I really have to go
get my dick manager and go through all that? Fine, we’re leaving. But I’m takin’
these Flappy beers. You remember that time
Daddy took us to go
skating at Asiaf Arena, but he was too fucking cheap
to pay for us both? So you got to go skating
and I sat there
watching your shoes?And then he was
too bored, or drunk,
or both,
and we had to go?
I never had my fucking
turn at skating. Man, our daddy
fucked you. You shoulda gotten
your turn. Carl: That’s what
I’ve been saying. I’m glad you heard me
when you needed
to hear me. You should write poems
or something. Whoa. That is
so fuckin’ crazy
that you say that, because I fuckin’ do. I would read that shit. -( car doors closing )
-Thanks, bro. ( car engine starts ) What the fuck?
Are you fucking
serious right now? -We’re having a fucking
conversation here.
-Are you stupid? -Fucking peabrain.
-Jesus Christ. What the fuck
is his fucking… Whatever. Let’s just
get the fucking battery -before he gives
a fucking shit-fit.
-( glass shattering ) Let’s kick Daddy’s ass. What? Let’s kick
his fucking ass. All our lives,
he’s pushed us around. “Do this, Carl.
Do this, Teddy.” It’s time he knows
we got our limits. We got bigger.
We’re stronger. Hey. We could
take him, right? Let’s kick
his fucking ass. Wayne:
Where’s everyone at? Steve:
Quittin’ time. Eric’s taking
the rest of the guys. Is there more work? You don’t want to go
with them. Believe me. I mean, you almost got
carted off with ’em ’til Eric realized
you wasn’t one
of them illegals, too. Illegals?Yeah, you know.
Immigrants.
Guys that ain’t supposed
to be here. Okay, I’ll tell you,
because we’re the same. Check it out.
Eric came up
with this thing where he makes ’em work,
then he drops ’em off
at immigration, so he don’t have
to pay ’em. ( chuckles )
Smart, huh? ( engine starting ) What do they do to ’em? They run. Some of them get shipped
back to where they came from.You should see ’em scatter
when they realize
where they are.
Cracks me up every time. “Ai, ai, ai!
Ai, ai, ai!” ( laughs ) Funny, huh? ( organ music playing ) ( indistinct conversation ) ( giggling ) man: ( on radio )
Who was it? It was an illegal.
And it’s now…
-worker:Hey, it’s hot
back here!
(thumping)
-It’s been too easy
for too long…worker:Where you taking us?( car horn honking ) ( tires screeching ) What the fuck? Is that my car? That’s my fucking car! Eric:Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.Fuck!-What the fuck?
-( tires screeching ) -( car engine revving )
-Bullshit!
Ow! ( screams ) Ow, you fuck…
You fuck… Fuck! Fucking fuck! ( speaking Spanish ) ( in English ) Mother fuck… ( speaking Spanish ) ( in English ) He was gonna
send you to immigration. Ambulance!
Call an ambulance, you fuck.Gracias, gringo loco.-( in English ) Fuck!
-Nice work, Conan. ( Eric groaning ) You take care
of that girl, okay? Eric: Amigo,no, no, no, no!
Por favor.Help me.Call an ambulance! ( whines ) Oh, you fucking
cocksucker! -( priest speaking
indistinctly )
-( organ music playing ) -Okay, you ready?
-I was born ready. A minute 40 seconds
after you. And man, don’t see good
in his left eye. Okay? So hit him
from the left. Punch him in the dick,
hold him down, -I’ll wail on him.
-Okay. Okay. What if he’s already
lying down? -Skip step one.
Straight to the dick.
-Straight to the dick. Okay, on my mark.
On three. One, two, three. -( cell phone chimes )
-Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, we got voicemails. ( beeps ) Del:Happy Birthday, Teddy.Happy Birthday, Carl.Fuckin’ Del. Thoughtful bitch. Let’s go get
that battery. ( priest speaking
indistinctly ) -You’re here.
-Yeah. I, uh, wanted to
be here for… Harry. Henry, but whatever. priest:
We gather here today
to celebrate the life
of Henry Dunn,who has now returned
to his home with our God,
the Father. ( whispering )
Knock it off. A life taken far too soon.Losing a parent
is never easy,
especially for
a small child.
Just know that Henry will
always be watching…
( music playing ) Del:Next onWayne… ( people screaming ) Del:I don’t know
if I’m the type of person
that people would really,
even like or whatever.
Donna:Well, sometimes,to get people to like ya,
you gotta not be you at all.
Daddy:Why does she care
if people fuckin’
like her or not?
If people aren’t assholes now,
they’re gonna become
assholes later.
Mark my fuckin’ words.Donna:You’re smart,
you’re kind, you’re pretty,
you can do a frigging
underwater handstand!
Del:Maybe I wanna be
noticed for once.
For something good.

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